Disruption

Two weeks ago, I was all set to gear up for my first Keynote.

I was so eager to do my best that I signed up for two open mikes and an improv class, just to practice being uncomfortable in front of people in a playful space.

And the next day, on October 7, my mother had a heart attack.

So I went to her - I went to my mother.  

That same week a client of mine and my coach shared that they too went to their mothers, one was injured in a fall, one was dying.  

And together we put down our striving, paused our big plans - presentations, retreats, keynotes - and traveled to where we were called.

We were striving hard in our careers.  And when we were called away, we gave ourselves grace. 

We let go of what felt most important before.

We were aware that something was shifting and changing right before our very eyes - and inside of our very selves.  

Coming back to our work now - we are not the same.

Disruptions disrupt the status quo. 

But what emerges isn't all hard, heart-breaking or inconvenient.

Disruptions make space for sweetness, for presence, for connection and grief, in ways that almost nothing else can. 

My mom is healing -  even though in good Jewish-mother fashion she is convinced she is dying. 

(I assure you that although she came exceedingly close, that is no longer a risk.)

I didn't manage to rehearse with an improv class or to go to an open mike, but I did ask for help.

The night before my Keynote, five of my girlfriends gathered in a rehearsal studio with me at my invitation and let me sweat out my nerves in front of them for an hour.

I could have lied face down on the floor for the duration and they would have still had 100% confidence in my ability to perform the next day. 

These are good friends who have seen me create many things from disruptions over the past twenty years.

When they left, I stayed in the empty room and clarity came.

I stopped sweating (!) and I knew what I needed to do.

There is a quality I call "grounded-enoughness." 

It's a quality that I long for, but is hard to embody when I'm under stress. 

Over the past three months I have been practicing with this quality.

The day of the Keynote, I woke up feeling grounded and enough.  It surprised me. 

The morning felt magical and exciting.

Did the disruption have something to do with my being able to embody that quality?  I don't know.

But I am grateful for giving myself the grace to be in a creative process when I felt vulnerable and unsure.

Letting go and Letting in, just like breathing. 

Letting go of expectations, letting in grace and support.

Inhale. Exhale letting go.  Inhale letting in.